The diary of almost everything

I’m not bad at making decisions.
I’m just… thorough.
Some people know immediately what they want. I need a moment. Or several. Preferably with a mental spreadsheet.
And sometimes I’m actually very good at deciding.
I just never know in advance which situation will suddenly require a full internal committee meeting.

Put me in a restaurant and I will absolutely look at the menu in advance.
Not because I’m controlling.
Because otherwise I panic, order the wrong thing, and then spend the rest of the evening staring at someone else’s plate thinking, yes, that’s what I meant.
It’s never bad food, it’s just… not my food.
Which is why restaurants with a fixed menu are my personal safe haven.
No choices. No regrets.
I eat everything anyway.
Relief on a plate.
Yes, they often come with a price tag.
But honestly, I’m willing to pay for not having to think.

Decision-making gets especially dramatic when I’m with someone who also doesn’t decide easily. Or worse.
Someone who says, “I don’t mind.”
Because that sentence is a trap.
So there we are, two people, no preference.
Staring at each other like it’s a hostage negotiation.

Which is ironic, because I say that too.
And you simply can’t have two people saying “I don’t mind”,  that’s how you end up starving, staring at each other, forever.

Eventually, the other person chooses.
I nod politely. While my face immediately betrays the fact that I had secretly chosen something else five seconds earlier.
They always see it.
There’s a very specific look, a micro-pause.
A quiet recalculation behind my eyes.
I didn’t say anything, but my face absolutely did.

The funny thing is, this indecisiveness doesn’t apply to everything.
At work? No problem, i decide quickly, clearly, efficiently.

With people I know well?
Easy. I usually know what I want, and I’ll say it. But not always, though.
Sometimes I genuinely don’t care.
I just want to come along, not think, and give my brain the night off.

But things that involve commitment?
Money, future me, those require… processing. Take my corporate fitness subscription.
I don’t think I’ve ever considered anything so intensely, I made lists….pros & cons.
Internal debates, Sport is important. But so is coffe! And dinners and joy.

Eventually, I realised the actual issue wasn’t the money. I have no problem spending money on clothes, coffee, or dinners.
The struggle was spending it on things that require discipline, like sport.
Still, I did it!
And once I decided, I immediately forgot why it had ever been an issue.
Same with booking holidays.
I need time.
Not because I don’t want to go.
But because I have to place it somewhere in my head first. Once it fits, I book it and then I’m fully in.

That’s the pattern, I hesitate, I overthink.
I mentally pace around the decision.
And then, suddenly, I’m done.
I just need to understand a choice before I make it.
Once I do, I don’t look back.
Which is comforting.

Because it means I’m not indecisive.
I’m just careful with my joy haha.

And honestly, if the biggest struggle in my life is choosing between pasta dishes or gym subscriptions,
I think I’m doing just fine.

-Sophie Quinn