The Invisible To-Do List in My Head

Some people wake up, blink a few times, and let the day come to them.

I am not one of those people.

Before I even roll out of bed, a quiet yet slightly urgent committee in my brain has already held a meeting. There are bullet points. Subtasks. A loose itinerary. All invisible, of course, I don’t actually write it down. But it’s there.

08:00: Pet cats. Feed cats. Apologize for automatic feeder delay. 08:30: Shower. Decide if it’s a hair-wash day or just vibes. 09:00: Pick an outfit that suggests effort but allows for movement and cake. 09:30: Breakfast, outside or in? What’s my budget for feeling cute today?

And so on.

It gives me structure. Comfort. A sense that I’m steering the ship, even if it’s just to a coffee shop with decent WiFi. It’s not rigid, though. I’ll happily abandon the whole schedule if a friend calls and says “lunch?” Spontaneity isn’t the enemy. It’s just not the one holding the clipboard.

What’s funny is that I rarely stick to the plan. I make it, I love it, and then I casually ignore it the moment something better comes along. Still, I need it. Like a bedtime story for my morning anxiety.

Sometimes I think it’s generational. The way we casually diagnose ourselves: “Maybe I’m a little ADHD?” Or, my favorite: “I think I just have a low tolerance for boredom.”

Maybe. Maybe it’s just modern life. Or maybe we all need something to organize the chaos.

I admire the people who live off-grid (mentally, I mean). Who don’t need an internal PA system to get through their Sunday. But I am not that girl. Not yet. I need the outline, even if I colour outside the lines.

The irony? When I travel, I’m fine. No itinerary needed. Maybe because the setting itself does the framing for me. Resort walls. Beach chairs. Scheduled massages. Freedom through confinement.

But at home? Freedom needs a backbone.

And mine just happens to look like a to-do list no one else can see.

So yes, I can drop everything and be spontaneous. But only after I’ve mentally ticked off “prepare to be spontaneous”.